I fear that when I return home, I will be much less interesting to people.
Part of why I am able to make friends and enjoy myself here in Taiwan is because others find me interesting. I stand out here. Not only because of the fact I am obviously a foreigner, but also because I dress differently and act differently. My differences are admirable only because our similarities are comfortable. I am confident and outspoken, but polite and positive.
When I return to the US, I won’t be so outstanding anymore. I get a special amount of attention for being a foreigner; aesthetically and culturally, I can show them things they’ve never seen before. Despite the world seeming so globalized, people here experience life differently from people in the US. They enjoy different media, have different habits, priorities, and beliefs. I have a certain amount of curiosity and receive some attention simply because of culture exchange. It makes me wonder: how much of my personality is me, and how much of it is relative to my environment? If personality is the way others view me, who will I be when others change?
This has been on my mind a lot lately. I also understand that I experience my own identity differently depending on who I am around. I feel like I don’t quite understand everyone here. The mannerisms, and beliefs of what is cool or cringe or brave are all completely different. Even other international people, from Bulgaria or Sweden or Canada act differently. Sure, not every American is the same, but the differences between countries feel so much more soulfully interesting to me. I’m not sure why, but it’s so easy to understand my American classmates. When they do certain things, I feel that I know the kind of person they are. That isn’t completely untrue for foreigners either. Sometimes I will meet someone, and I know exactly the kind of person they are, despite growing up in a completely different environment. But most often, I don’t understand these people much at first glance. It makes them so much more interesting to me. Maybe it is a placebo effect, of my own perception thinking that it is more difficult to understand them. Nonetheless, I love having international friends. It is inspiring.
But it scares me. What if I only think I’m interesting, because people are treating me that way? What if I’m only interesting because I’m a foreigner? What if all these special beliefs and perspectives I have aren’t actually special when I return home, only a product of novelty? What if all my characteristics become average?
I am calling the comparison and change of our perception of self depending on the environment, “personality relativity.”
Even if I stay the same person, my personality will be perceived very differently depending on my external context. When I tell my Taiwanese friends that I went to the club last weekend, just to dance, no drinking or smoking, they tell me I must be a party animal. When I tell my European friends I want to go clubbing, but I don’t drink or smoke, I have a stick up my ass a little. I am the exact same, but the situation is not. A grey blue will look much bluer surrounded by red, and much more grey surrounded by blue.
But here is my perspective on myself. If I am interesting somewhere, I am interesting everywhere. There are some things that I believe cannot be commonplace, no matter where I am. Courage and confidence and consciousness are the things I value the most in myself, and I know they are not inherent in any place because I worked hard on them.
I have to do more thinking on this topic, but I maintain that I will not spontaneously become boring. Changing environments always has a possibility of flipping personalities, but with my courage, confidence, and consciousness, I refuse to allow my personality to be so easily altered. Even if time is relative, you cannot know until you go to the extremes. I hope to be as steady as time.