Maintaining Hope
As I go through the college application process a second time, I am hit again with an overwhelming dysphoric competitiveness in trying to prove myself as I apply. Not just as I apply, but as I imagine results. I am fighting the feeling that I need to prove myself to others and trying to tell myself that I don’t need to go to a name school to be valuable; but I am also constantly aware that it will change other’s perception of me, and therefore, unfortunately, my perception of myself. I don’t want to live earning other’s approval or fighting my own jealousy. The colleges are not me, and they cannot prove my worth or lower it by their decision. I have no idea what finalizes it, and there is so much left unsaid and unknown in a tailored and flat written or video application. I try so hard to squash and stretch my ego into what will be productive; but we all have to feel better than someone for our own sanity, to maintain our hope.
In my current program, I have been studying with graduates from Cambridge and Columbia. I see no difference between me and them besides their age. In fact, I often find faults in them that I believe I lack. I am so grateful to be surrounded by people with more experience than me, and am also so grateful for the experience I have above theirs. It’s given me a much more concrete feeling that the college a person goes to can’t change who they innately are or who they work to be. Going to a great university won’t make you a better person. That’s proven. But that also means going to a college below your hopes doesn’t make you less intelligent or capable than you are. It’s not my problem if others think it does, because I know it’s not true. I’m not any less valuable because I’m taking a gap year. In fact, many people said they wouldn’t be brave enough to do it; I think it’s making me even more unique and valuable than I perceived myself as before.
When I came to Taiwan, I was ready to be completely in the mud, full of shame and frustration. But surprisingly, everything is less difficult than I expected it to be. My language is become fluid and more comfortable faster than i expected, and my lifestyle is busy but motivating. Learning darkroom film development entirely in Mandarin is surprisingly manageable. Practicing fencing for the first time in two years with classmates who speak little of my native language is exciting. Every little thing feels so much more inspiring and important. I thought I needed an overwhelming and academically challenging lifestyle to feel successful, but I’m succeeding massively in so many ways I didn’t expect. I’ve pretty much gotten over embarrassment as a whole [as per my last blog], I’ve fallen back in love with hobbies that I abandoned years ago, and I’m excelling at the goals I set in the first place.
I’ve been learning to maintain my hope not through ego, and what potential I believe I can reach in the future, but what I am capable of and practicing now. There are things I am capable of and want to do that I haven’t gotten to yet, like working out regularly, but I am already aware that I can do it, so I’m not letting it hurt that I don’t. I can’t stress myself into a better person. Even if I do, it’ll just be better habits and a worse feeling of pressure, obligation, and imposter syndrome from myself. There is always more available to you than it appears, and if you get too stuck on where you’re going you might fail to take advantage of the opportunities you nearby. Sometimes the journey and the destination are both important, and you have to make pit stops along the way. The gas station you stop at because you impulsively wanted a slushie will send you forward with much more than you expected. I think widening my life is bringing me more hope than taking the straight path down toward the end goal. Hoping for only one thing or one end goal will dwindle your hope into fear and stress of losing it or not being successful in that way you expect. The best way to maintain hope is to find it all around.