There Are Rules You Don’t Have To Follow.
In a desperate attempt to feel in control of my own habits, I burned about 190 pages of The Shining, including the cover. I started reading it eight months ago. I found it free to take outside my high school’s library, and I thought it would be my first good personal book in years. I was excited to get back into reading on my own accord.
I’m sure it’s not an uncommon story, but when I was twelve I was reading a full novel every week, and it suddenly fell off going into high school. I was caught up to all my beloved series, and I couldn’t find much else that interested me enough to occupy a hand all the time. So I stopped reading in all. I read all my assigned summer reading, and I kept up with books in English class. But I never read for pleasure anymore. I thought The Shining would be my eye opening, age appropriate book that reinvigorated my love for literature. 190 pages in, and I was bored out of my mind. The book still felt like it was trying to set up for something to happen and introduce the characters or try to get me to sympathize with the troubled, alcoholic father of a main character. This was not the book that was going to get me to read until I got in trouble. I was thoroughly frustrated.
Now, I appreciate some of the interesting aspects of the read; it did feel like I had leveled up in my literature, and the way King writes internal overlapping thought was very interesting. But I began to feel stuck in between the pages of this book; I desperately wanted to read, just not this book. But I hate leaving stories unfinished, and found myself feeling like I needed to finish this book before starting another. That was excruciating, because in no short amount of time would I enjoyably finish this book. But look; I was already a third of the way through it. I had to finish it at this point. I wanted to read, and I despised reading. I was so upset with how much it made me hate what I wanted that I ripped out all the pages I had read and burned them.
However, I didn’t simply start tearing away at the book when I got bored. I remember my paralyzation with my own rules sitting rough inside me as I did absolutely nothing, itching to read, and conciously resisting it at the same time. This wasn’t one of those instances where in your mind you want to do your hobby, but end up scrolling on your phone. This was, I am starving and nauseated by what is on my plate. Thinking back, I was basing my actions around who I wanted to be instead of what I wanted to do. In this case, I wanted to be someone who finished their meal before eating dessert. But what I actually wanted to do was just eat. So I threw out my chewed up food, boxed up my leftovers and started cooking something new.
Since then, I have read The Martian, Annihilation, Coraline, Love Bullet #1, and The Metamorphosis and Outliers, as assigned by my AP English Literature class. I had let my want to finish The Shining override my want to read. I’m still reading The Shining, in between Unraveling Threads and my cheeky read of the Apple Books sample of Life of Pi. It got interesting on page 257 to me.
What I learned from this experience is that some obstacles really are completely mental. The rules I am used to following, like reading one book at a time, or filling a full page of journaling, took more action away from my life than the discipline I wanted it to add. When deciding that action is more important than quality or routine, a lot of rules go out the window. I’m not supposed to shower twice a day, but if I wash my hair in the morning and get sweaty during the day, I’m simply going to feel better if I shower again. The self-imposed pressure of doing things the “right” or “responsible” way will often cause more stress than being “irresponsible.” This was my own lesson learned of Kate Scott’s story of running the dishwasher twice. Whatever makes life better for me to live is better. It doesn’t mean I have to always be reading two books; but it’s the same point that I don’t have to always be reading one. I can change whatever I want, when I want, especially the small things. Most frustrations are well within my control. There is always a solution, even if it’s not the reasonable one. Sometimes the unreasonable solution is the simplest solution; and the simplest solution is the smart solution.